The Secret Purpose of Small Talk (and How to Use It to Build Instant Connection) [Social Intelligence Brief]
Most people dread small talk. But in this episode of Social Intelligence, AJ and Johnny explain why it’s not about the weather, jobs, or generic questions—it’s about emotional connection. Discover the science of “emotional bids,” a concept from Dr. John Gottman that unlocks deeper conversations and lasting influence.
AJ shares a real story of using this skill at a high-stakes networking event, while Johnny shows how emotional validation can turn awkward exchanges into moments that matter. Whether you’re meeting new people, trying to stand out in a crowd, or just want to feel more socially confident, this three-step framework will change the way you communicate forever.
What to Listen For:
[00:00:00] Why most people hate small talk—and why they’re wrong
[00:02:20] The hidden purpose of small talk: emotional diagnostics
[00:03:37] How memory and conversation are tied to heightened states
[00:05:25] AJ’s breakthrough moment at a high-profile DC event
[00:07:16] Emotional bids explained with real-world examples
[00:09:35] The 3 types of responses to emotional bids
[00:10:39] Why validation increases trust and influence
[00:11:35] Johnny’s "tin can" metaphor for relationship-building
[00:13:36] Client story: From frozen out to followed up
[00:14:39] The 3-step formula to transform small talk into deep talk
A Word From Our Sponsors
Tired of awkward handshakes and collecting business cards without building real connections? Dive into our Free Social Capital Networking Masterclass. Learn practical strategies to make your interactions meaningful and boost your confidence in any social situation. Sign up for free at theartofcharm.com/sc and elevate your networking from awkward to awesome. Don’t miss out on a network of opportunities!
Unleash the power of covert networking to infiltrate high-value circles and build a 7-figure network in just 90 days. Ready to start? Check out our CIA-proven guide to networking like a spy!
Indulge in affordable luxury with Quince—where high-end essentials meet unbeatable prices. Upgrade your wardrobe today at quince.com/charm for free shipping and hassle-free returns.
Ready to turn your business idea into reality? Shopify makes it easy to start, scale, and succeed—whether you're launching a side hustle or building the next big brand. Sign up for your $1/month trial at shopify.com/charm.
Need to hire top talent—fast? Skip the waiting game and get more qualified applicants with Indeed. Claim your $75 Sponsored Job Credit now at Indeed.com/charm.
This year, skip breaking a sweat AND breaking the bank. Get your summer savings and shop premium wireless plans at mintmobile.com/charm
Stop needlessly overpaying for car insurance. Before you renew your policy, do yourself a favor—download the Jerry app or head to JERRY.com/charm
Connect with quality therapists and mental health experts who specialize in you at www.rula.com/charm
Curious about your influence level?
Get your Influence Index Score today!
Take this 60-second quiz to find out how your influence stacks up against top performers at theartofcharm.com/influence.
Episode resources:
HowardFalco.com
Check in with AJ and Johnny!
AJ on LinkedIn
Johnny on LinkedIn
AJ on Instagram
Johnny on Instagram
The Art of Charm on Instagram
The Art of Charm on YouTube
The Art of Charm on TikTok
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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23:42
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23:42
You’ve Been Lied To About Growth | Howard Falco
What does it really mean to reclaim your power? In this deep and grounded episode of Social Intelligence, AJ and Johnny talk with transformation coach Howard Falco about why so many men feel off-track—even when they’re doing all the “right” things.
Howard reveals why insight alone isn’t enough, and how true transformation only happens when we confront ourselves, embody stillness, and live in full alignment. From breaking spiritual performance habits to building inner strength, this episode is a call to live with energy, truth, and direction.
What to listen for:
[00:00:00] Why intellectual insight doesn’t equal transformation
[00:04:42] The trap of spiritual performance and emotional bypassing
[00:08:37] Why men feel lost even after “doing the work”
[00:11:12] The role of embodiment in building internal power
[00:14:25] How stillness reveals what you’re really avoiding
[00:18:49] Leading yourself before leading others
[00:22:03] What true self-trust feels like—and how to build it
[00:26:16] The difference between hype energy and grounded energy
[00:29:58] Why you don’t need to be fixed—you need to be clear
[00:33:45] Howard’s message for men who feel disconnected or stuck
A Word From Our Sponsors
Tired of awkward handshakes and collecting business cards without building real connections? Dive into our Free Social Capital Networking Masterclass. Learn practical strategies to make your interactions meaningful and boost your confidence in any social situation. Sign up for free at theartofcharm.com/sc and elevate your networking from awkward to awesome. Don’t miss out on a network of opportunities!
Unleash the power of covert networking to infiltrate high-value circles and build a 7-figure network in just 90 days. Ready to start? Check out our CIA-proven guide to networking like a spy!
Indulge in affordable luxury with Quince—where high-end essentials meet unbeatable prices. Upgrade your wardrobe today at quince.com/charm for free shipping and hassle-free returns.
Ready to turn your business idea into reality? Shopify makes it easy to start, scale, and succeed—whether you're launching a side hustle or building the next big brand. Sign up for your $1/month trial at shopify.com/charm.
Need to hire top talent—fast? Skip the waiting game and get more qualified applicants with Indeed. Claim your $75 Sponsored Job Credit now at Indeed.com/charm.
This year, skip breaking a sweat AND breaking the bank. Get your summer savings and shop premium wireless plans at mintmobile.com/charm
Stop needlessly overpaying for car insurance. Before you renew your policy, do yourself a favor—download the Jerry app or head to JERRY.com/charm
Connect with quality therapists and mental health experts who specialize in you at www.rula.com/charm
Curious about your influence level?
Get your Influence Index Score today!
Take this 60-second quiz to find out how your influence stacks up against top performers at theartofcharm.com/influence.
Episode resources:
HowardFalco.com
Check in with AJ and Johnny!
AJ on LinkedIn
Johnny on LinkedIn
AJ on Instagram
Johnny on Instagram
The Art of Charm on Instagram
The Art of Charm on YouTube
The Art of Charm on TikTok
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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1:03:59
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1:03:59
The Social Gravity Effect [Social Intelligence Brief]
Why do some people walk into a room and instantly attract attention, introductions, and opportunities—while others grind endlessly and get ignored? In this episode of Social Intelligence, AJ and Johnny break down the science of social gravity—a real, research-backed force that explains how connection works like attraction, not effort.
They reveal the five key drivers that increase your social “mass,” from showing up to adding value, and how trust, similarity, and usefulness make you magnetic. If you’re tired of chasing validation and ready to start drawing others to you naturally, this episode outlines the playbook.
What to Listen For
[00:00:00] Social gravity explained: why connection is like gravity, not hustle
[00:01:24] The science behind mass: trust, visibility, and perceived closeness
[00:02:23] Five drivers of pull: proximity, similarity, positive affect, trust, instrumentality
[00:03:24] Why simply showing up builds momentum and visibility
[00:03:53] Similarity bias: how to signal shared identity in conversation
[00:05:18] The underrated power of warmth and enthusiasm in social settings
[00:07:02] Reciprocity and trust: how adding value attracts others
[00:09:47] Becoming useful: why helping others boosts your social value
[00:11:24] Network centrality: how to build influence across multiple groups
[00:12:43] The gravity loop: how clients become the ones people chase
A Word From Our Sponsors
Tired of awkward handshakes and collecting business cards without building real connections? Dive into our Free Social Capital Networking Masterclass. Learn practical strategies to make your interactions meaningful and boost your confidence in any social situation. Sign up for free at theartofcharm.com/sc and elevate your networking from awkward to awesome. Don’t miss out on a network of opportunities!
Unleash the power of covert networking to infiltrate high-value circles and build a 7-figure network in just 90 days. Ready to start? Check out our CIA-proven guide to networking like a spy!
Indulge in affordable luxury with Quince—where high-end essentials meet unbeatable prices. Upgrade your wardrobe today at quince.com/charm for free shipping and hassle-free returns.
Ready to turn your business idea into reality? Shopify makes it easy to start, scale, and succeed—whether you're launching a side hustle or building the next big brand. Sign up for your $1/month trial at shopify.com/charm.
Need to hire top talent—fast? Skip the waiting game and get more qualified applicants with Indeed. Claim your $75 Sponsored Job Credit now at Indeed.com/charm.
This year, skip breaking a sweat AND breaking the bank. Get your summer savings and shop premium wireless plans at mintmobile.com/charm
Stop needlessly overpaying for car insurance. Before you renew your policy, do yourself a favor—download the Jerry app or head to JERRY.com/charm
Connect with quality therapists and mental health experts who specialize in you at www.rula.com/charm
Curious about your influence level?
Get your Influence Index Score today!
Take this 60-second quiz to find out how your influence stacks up against top performers at theartofcharm.com/influence.
Check in with AJ and Johnny!
AJ on LinkedIn
Johnny on LinkedIn
AJ on Instagram
Johnny on Instagram
The Art of Charm on Instagram
The Art of Charm on YouTube
The Art of Charm on TikTok
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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18:13
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18:13
Self-Talk That Actually Works | Jay Heinrichs
What if the key to change isn’t willpower—but persuasion? In this episode of Social Intelligence, AJ Harbinger and Johnny Dzubak sit down with Jay Heinrichs, bestselling author and renowned rhetoric expert, to uncover how the ancient tools of persuasion can be turned inward. Drawing from Aristotle, Taylor Swift, and even personal injury, Jay reveals how to reframe identity, build emotional endurance, and use the “dark art” of rhetoric for transformation.
From redefining suffering as training to manipulating yourself into greatness, this episode offers practical strategies and philosophical insights for anyone stuck in cycles of self-doubt, burnout, or stagnation. If you've ever wanted to master your inner dialogue, this conversation will arm you with the tools to rewrite your story and reclaim agency.
What to Listen For[00:00:00] Persuading yourself: the ancient secret to real change[00:05:06] The absurd goal that pulled Jay out of self-pity[00:08:37] Aristotle’s identity formula: craft, caring, cause[00:12:41] How 300 painful shots became “training” through reframing[00:17:44] The rhetorical trick introverts use to fake extroversion[00:19:07] A ninth-grade confidence hack that still works[00:21:24] Why catchy rhythms rewire your brain (and boost belief)[00:24:35] Taylor Swift’s treadmill ritual—and the power of prep[00:27:44] Manipulating yourself without lying to yourself[00:33:32] Donut or apple? How shame beats guilt for better choices[00:36:47] The mindset shift before running a mountain[00:41:58] Turning chaos into opportunity with kairos[00:47:49] A quick trick to bounce back from failure[00:50:11] Why timing—not talent—made Jay’s book a bestseller
A Word From Our Sponsors
Tired of awkward handshakes and collecting business cards without building real connections? Dive into our Free Social Capital Networking Masterclass. Learn practical strategies to make your interactions meaningful and boost your confidence in any social situation. Sign up for free at theartofcharm.com/sc and elevate your networking from awkward to awesome. Don’t miss out on a network of opportunities!
Unleash the power of covert networking to infiltrate high-value circles and build a 7-figure network in just 90 days. Ready to start? Check out our CIA-proven guide to networking like a spy!
Indulge in affordable luxury with Quince—where high-end essentials meet unbeatable prices. Upgrade your wardrobe today at quince.com/charm for free shipping and hassle-free returns.
Ready to turn your business idea into reality? Shopify makes it easy to start, scale, and succeed—whether you're launching a side hustle or building the next big brand. Sign up for your $1/month trial at shopify.com/charm.
Need to hire top talent—fast? Skip the waiting game and get more qualified applicants with Indeed. Claim your $75 Sponsored Job Credit now at Indeed.com/charm.
This year, skip breaking a sweat AND breaking the bank. Get your summer savings and shop premium wireless plans at mintmobile.com/charm
Stop needlessly overpaying for car insurance. Before you renew your policy, do yourself a favor—download the Jerry app or head to JERRY.com/charm
Connect with quality therapists and mental health experts who specialize in you at www.rula.com/charm
Curious about your influence level?
Get your Influence Index Score today!
Take this 60-second quiz to find out how your influence stacks up against top performers at theartofcharm.com/influence.
Episode resources:
JayHeinrichs.com
How Ancient Rhetoric, Taylor Swift, and Your Own Soul Can Help You Change Your Life
Check in with AJ and Johnny!
AJ on LinkedIn
Johnny on LinkedIn
AJ on Instagram
Johnny on Instagram
The Art of Charm on Instagram
The Art of Charm on YouTube
The Art of Charm on TikTok
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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1:03:35
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1:03:35
From Likable to Influential: The 3C Method [Social Intelligence Brief]
Do people like you… but never seem to respect you? In this episode of Social Intelligence, AJ Harbinger and Johnny Dzubak reveal the hidden social trap of being “too agreeable.” While it might seem like the best way to build rapport, research shows that excessive agreeableness actually suppresses your influence, erodes your authenticity, and leads to burnout.
You’ll learn why likability isn’t the goal—and how the Three C Model (Challenge, Curiosity, and Contrast) can transform your conversations into memorable, high-impact interactions that demand attention and build real connection.
What to Listen For
[00:00:00] Why being likable doesn't make you more influential
[00:01:15] The hidden cost of being predictably agreeable: burnout and boredom
[00:02:27] Why people won’t respect your time if you don’t value it first
[00:04:00] Agreeableness suppresses authenticity—and makes others trust you less
[00:04:37] The Harvard study: Why respectful disagreement builds stronger connection
[00:06:28] The Three C Model for breaking free from the “nice” trap
[00:07:13] How to challenge respectfully without sounding combative
[00:07:55] Curiosity with intention: The secret to deepening conversations
[00:08:21] Contrast with authenticity: Sharing personal truths to build influence
[00:10:44] Why most people operate from a worldview they never chose
[00:12:04] Mistake #3: Agreeing when you actually disagree
[00:12:42] Likability ≠ connection—how hiding your thoughts delays rejection
[00:13:08] What is “productive friction” and why it makes you unforgettable
[00:13:54] Take the Influence Index assessment to uncover your social blind spots
A Word From Our Sponsors
Tired of awkward handshakes and collecting business cards without building real connections? Dive into our Free Social Capital Networking Masterclass. Learn practical strategies to make your interactions meaningful and boost your confidence in any social situation. Sign up for free at theartofcharm.com/sc and elevate your networking from awkward to awesome. Don’t miss out on a network of opportunities!
Unleash the power of covert networking to infiltrate high-value circles and build a 7-figure network in just 90 days. Ready to start? Check out our CIA-proven guide to networking like a spy!
Indulge in affordable luxury with Quince—where high-end essentials meet unbeatable prices. Upgrade your wardrobe today at quince.com/charm for free shipping and hassle-free returns.
Ready to turn your business idea into reality? Shopify makes it easy to start, scale, and succeed—whether you're launching a side hustle or building the next big brand. Sign up for your $1/month trial at shopify.com/charm.
Need to hire top talent—fast? Skip the waiting game and get more qualified applicants with Indeed. Claim your $75 Sponsored Job Credit now at Indeed.com/charm.
This year, skip breaking a sweat AND breaking the bank. Get your summer savings and shop premium wireless plans at mintmobile.com/charm
Stop needlessly overpaying for car insurance. Before you renew your policy, do yourself a favor—download the Jerry app or head to JERRY.com/charm
Connect with quality therapists and mental health experts who specialize in you at www.rula.com/charm
Curious about your influence level?
Get your Influence Index Score today!
Take this 60-second quiz to find out how your influence stacks up against top performers at theartofcharm.com/influence.
Check in with AJ and Johnny!
AJ on LinkedIn
Johnny on LinkedIn
AJ on Instagram
Johnny on Instagram
The Art of Charm on Instagram
The Art of Charm on YouTube
The Art of Charm on TikTok
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
The Art of Charm is where self-motivated people, just like you, come to learn from the company’s coaches about to how to master human dynamics, relationships, and becoming your best self with the help of Johnny and AJ, the company’s founders. Johnny and AJ bring their 11 years of coaching experience from their famous Bootcamps, where they host clients in Los Angeles from all over the world and they share their stories, best practices and themselves on this weekly podcast. Not only does The Art of Charm help everyday people, including active members of the military, learn how to become higher performers, better spouses, partners, and coworkers, they dig deep into human behavior, the science behind it, and demystify what we do and why we do it.
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