Mentally Stronger with Therapist Amy Morin

You've heard people say, "Good things come to those who wait." Most of us absorbed that lesson somewhere along the way — save the good stuff, delay the pleasure, wait until you've earned it. But my guest today says that idea backfires.

My guest is Ian Bogost, a contributing writer at The Atlantic and a professor at Washington University in St. Louis. His new book is The Small Stuff.

Some of the things we discuss are:

The three different types of contentment — and why we tend to overlook the most available one

What the famous marshmallow test actually got wrong about delayed gratification

Why saving the perfume, the outfit, or the "good china" for a special occasion might be backfiring

The one-step trick to noticing small pleasures without having to add anything new to your routine

Why gratification isn't the same as mindfulness — and why Ian has issues with how mindfulness gets sold to us

How modern life has quietly stripped away small sensory pleasures (Ian calls it "dematerialization")

Why you don't have to choose between being present and taking a picture — you can do both

How stacking tiny moments of gratification can build a buffer that makes hard days hurt less

The Therapist's Take: My top three strategies for finding more small pleasures starting today

Related Episodes ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

⁠322 — This 60-Second Mental Strength Play Will Help You Stop Procrastinating (And It Doesn't Require Willpower)⁠

270 — You Don't Need More Self-Discipline: 2 Strategies to Succeed Without It

Links & Resources

The Small Stuff

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Have you ever been upset and had one person tell you to just sit with your feelings—while someone else insists you should snap out of it and take control? Which approach is right?

The answer is that it depends on the situation. In today's episode, I'll show you that the most important emotional strength skill is knowing which one the moment calls for.

Some of the things I talk about are:

Why "sit with it" and "change it" aren't actually contradictory—and the framework that ties them together.

Why an emotion isn't positive or negative on its own, and what actually determines whether it helps you or hurts you.

How the exact same anxiety can be your friend while you pay a stack of bills and your enemy on the way to the stage.

The surprising research on how a "good" emotion like excitement can push you into a decision you'd never make calmly.

The personal story of returning to work after losing my husband—and what grief taught me about when to feel a feeling and when to turn the volume down.

The three questions that tell you, in the moment, whether a feeling is your friend or your enemy (you only need to answer one).

What to actually do once you have your answer—and why changing a feeling isn't avoiding it, and sitting with one isn't weakness.

Related Episodes ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

⁠308 — Pause. Pick. Play. The Formula for Getting Through Any Hard Moment⁠

⁠306 — You Don't Need to Feel Strong to Be Strong⁠

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Have you ever spent hours replaying a conversation in your head that didn't go well? Maybe you said something you wish you hadn't. Maybe someone made a comment you can't stop thinking about.

But the more you think about it, the worse you feel — and you can't seem to stop. If that sounds familiar, you're not alone.

My guest is Donna Jackson Nakazawa, an award-winning science journalist and author of nine books. Her new book is Mind Drama and she has uncovered some surprising strategies that can help you stop overthinking.

Some of the things we discuss are:

What's actually happening in your brain when you can't stop replaying something — and what showed up on Donna's own brain scan

Why "just think about it a little more" is a lie your brain tells you (and the part of your brain that's terrible at solving problems is the one running the show)

Why we're all overthinking more than we used to — and the perfect storm making it worse

How a single anxious thought sends a stress signal all the way down to the energy centers of your cells

The MIST framework — a step-by-step way to decode the pattern behind whatever you keep replaying

The "ballistic interrupter" — a neuroscience-backed trick that stops the spiral by changing one small thing about how you talk to yourself

Quick physical moves that signal safety to your brain and break the loop fast

The Therapist's Take: My top three strategies for breaking out of an overthinking loop starting today

Related Episodes ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

284 — Overthinking? Here’s the 3-Word Fix You Need to Stop the Spiral⁠

258 - 7 Sneaky Mindset Traps Draining Your Mental Strength (And How to Stop Them)

Links & Resources

Mind Drama

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Want more plays to help you stay mentally strong? Pick up a copy of ⁠The Mental Strength Playbook⁠.

Have you ever tried a mental strength strategy that everyone swears by, and it didn't work for you? Maybe you tried to meditate in the middle of a panic attack and felt worse, or started a gratitude journal while your life was falling apart and just ended up feeling guilty about your list.

The same coping skills that saves you in one moment can backfire in another. Fortunately, you can sharpen your ability to reach for the right coping skill at the right time once you know how.

Some of the things I talk about are:

Why the strategy that "doesn't work for you" might just be the right tool used at the wrong time.

The friend whose gratitude journal, packed weekend schedule, and constant busyness looked like strength from the outside—but were actually keeping her stuck.

How three plays we talk about all the time on this show can backfire, and the exact moments when each one turns from helpful to harmful.

Why "What's the best mental health technique?" is the wrong question—and the better one to ask instead.

How to run the same problem through your thoughts, your emotions, and your actions so you always have more than one way in.

The three-step Pause, Pick, Play process for choosing the right play in the moment—even when your usual go-to isn't working.

Related Episodes ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

308 — Pause. Pick. Play. The Formula for Getting Through Any Hard Moment

306 — You Don't Need to Feel Strong to Be Strong

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Have you ever caught yourself thinking, "I should be over this by now"? Maybe an old fear or insecurity shows up, and instead of just feeling it, you feel bad about feeling that way.

Most of us were taught that hard feelings — shame, envy, anger, boredom — are problems to be solved or character flaws to fix. And when they don't go away, we pile on a second layer of distress. But my guest today says that's exactly where we go wrong. The goal isn't to get rid of hard feelings. It's to get more curious about them.

My guest is Daniel Smith, a writer turned therapist whose new book is called Hard Feelings.

Some of the things we discuss are:

Why hard feelings aren't problems to solve — and what happens when you stop trying to optimize them away

Why shame is the master uncomfortable emotion, and how it often gets passed down through families in silence

The trap of asking "why do I feel this way?" — and the better question that actually helps

Why decades of personal work doesn't make old anxieties disappear

The hidden cost of the positivity industry — and how well-meaning advice can become unintentionally shaming

What boredom, envy, and even anger are trying to teach you if you're willing to listen

The difference between sitting with a feeling and needing to shift one — and how to know which moment calls for which

The Therapist's Take: My top three strategies for getting curious about hard feelings starting today

Related Episodes ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

224 - 8 Myths About Feelings That Can Sabotage Your Emotional Intelligence

⁠148 — How to Take Charge of Your Feelings

Links & Resources

Hard Feelings

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