Mentally Stronger with Therapist Amy Morin

Most people wait for the right moment, the right feeling, the right amount of information before they change. But my guest today says it all starts when you confront the seven uncomfortable truths that are holding you back.

My guest is Kier Gaines, a licensed professional counselor who reaches more than 40 million people on social media every month. His new book is It All Starts When You Do.

Some of the things we discuss are:

Why waiting for the right moment costs you the life you want

The difference between accountability and self-blame

Why self-awareness alone almost never leads to change (and what actually does)

The seven uncomfortable truths and why the first step isn't fixing them, it's getting curious about them

Why affirmations can make you feel worse

Why overwhelm is often a failure of systems, not a failure of your capabilities

The five stages of behavioral change and why knowing which one you're in changes what you should actually do next

Why "I only date healed people" misses how humans actually work

Why distress tolerance might be the single most important skill for growing mentally stronger

The Therapist's Take: My top three strategies for starting when you're not ready

Related Episodes ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠86 — The 6 Stages of Change: How to Transform Your Life

⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠332 — Should You Sit With Your Feelings or Change How You Feel? The One Question That Decides It⁠

Links & Resources

It All Starts When You Do

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Is there a moment from your past that still makes you cringe? Something you said at a party years ago, a text you wish you could unsend, a version of you that you can't believe you ever were? And does that moment ever run through your mind when you don't wish to replay it?

In today's episode, I'll share a cringe moments that my brain loves to replay, explain why certain moments get cemented in there forever, and give you three strategies to move through them—so you can stop feeling the pain all over again and stop letting those memories shrink your life.

Some of the things I talk about are:

The on-camera interview I've never once been able to bring myself to watch—and the part I left out that still makes me cringe.

Why your brain files a social slip-up like a physical injury, and treats an awkward comment like a threat to your survival.

Why embarrassment and shame stick when almost every other bad feeling fades—and what that says about the moments you can't shake.

How replaying cringe can shrinks your life.

Why "cringe" may stem from three different feelings and why it's so important to label them correctly.

The reason your brain replays the worst four seconds on a loop instead of the whole scene—and how to change the story it's telling.

The "spotlight effect," and the research showing how badly we overestimate how many people even noticed.

Related Episodes ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

⁠59 — 3 Ways to Take Back Your Power When Negative People Try to Drag You Down⁠

⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠199 — Can You Really Change Who You Are? The Surprising Truth About Personality With Olga Khazan

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When something goes wrong in your day—bad news, a disagreement with a loved one, or a tough rejection—what do you actually reach for to cope?

Most of us have one move. We drink, we scroll, we run, we clean, we call someone. And it probably works—which is why we keep doing it.

But my guest today says that's where the trouble starts. Every coping strategy you have began as your best attempt at getting a need met. And when you only have one move, even a good one can turn into something that no longer serves you.

My guest is Dr. Celeste Birkhofer, a licensed clinical psychologist and adjunct clinical faculty at Stanford Medical School's Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences. Her new book is Beyond Quick Fixes.

Some of the things we discuss are:

Why your one go-to coping skill probably started as a solution — and how to tell when it's crossed into something that's costing you

The difference between a quick fix that helps you (like slow breathing when your heart is pounding) and one that's harming you

Why some of your greatest strengths—being driven, being independent, being agreeable—might also be the things holding you back

The two ingredients every real change requires (and why insight alone almost never gets you there)

Dr. Birkhofer's story of using food to cope in college — and how she traced it back to what she learned about handling emotions as a kid

The writing exercise that helps you connect the dots between your childhood and your current patterns without shame

The three parts of yourself and why one of them needs to be in the driver's seat

Why the people closest to you sometimes push back when you try to change and how to tell if they're drawing out your best or keeping you stuck

The Therapist's Take: My top three strategies for building coping skills that actually work

Related Episodes ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

⁠⁠⁠330 — The Real Reason Your Coping Skills Aren't Helping (It's Not You)

⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠332 — Should You Sit With Your Feelings or Change How You Feel? The One Question That Decides It

Links & Resources

Beyond Quick Fixes

Connect with the Show

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Have you ever sent a text and expected a fun response but all you got was a word one answer and then you spent the rest of the day wondering what you did wrong? Or heard a comment in a group chat and felt it was aimed at you? Most of the time, the thing you're taking personally has almost nothing to do with you—but your brain will work hard to convince you otherwise.

I've done this too, during the hardest stretch of my life, even though I'm a therapist who teaches people not to. In today's episode, I'll walk you through what's really happening when you take something personally, why it costs you more than you might think, and three things you can do the next time your brain insists you're the reason someone acted the way they did.

Some of the things I talk about are:

The story I built about myself to explain what happened when I was grieving.

Why your brain reaches for the one explanation that puts you at the center, out of a hundred it could have picked.

What the research says about the critical feedback people give.

Why taking things personally goes beyond just feeling bad.

The surprising study on reaching out to someone you've lost touch with, and what your brain gets wrong about it.

How to separate hurt feelings from beliefs about yourself.

Related Episodes ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

59 — 3 Ways to Take Back Your Power When Negative People Try to Drag You Down

⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠278 — The 3 Mindset Shifts You Will Help You Grow Mentally Stronger This Year

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You've probably been told that anxiety is a reaction to what's happening in your life. But my guest today says that's not the whole story. Most of your anxiety isn't a reaction to what's actually happening — it's a reaction to what you're imagining might happen.

You get an email that says "can we talk tomorrow?" and your mind writes an entire disaster. Your brain then releases the same stress hormones whether the threat is real or imagined.

My guest is Dr. Cassandra Vieten, a licensed clinical psychologist and director of research at the Arthur C. Clarke Center for Human Imagination at UC San Diego. Her new book is Imagine That.

Some of the things we discuss are:

Why you're imagining far more than you think — and how your brain reacts as if what you're imagining is actually happening

The Mark Twain quote about worry that will stop you in your tracks

Why "just think positive" backfires — and what to do with your imagination instead

Your imagination profile — why some people see vivid pictures, others hear narrated stories, and both are valid ways of imagining

How to visit your future self — and the surprising question to ask when you get there

How to tell the difference between rumination and imagination

The dragon-in-the-village metaphor Dr. Vieten uses for addiction — and why a good story can reach truths your logical mind can't

The Therapist's Take: My top three strategies for using your imagination to grow mentally stronger

Related Episodes ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠318 — How to Turn Anxiety Into a Competitive Advantage With a 2-Minute Play That Tricks Your Brain

⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠144 — 7 Surprising Strategies That Fix Anxiety (Even Though We Fear These Things Will Make Anxiety Worse)

Links & Resources

⁠Imagine That

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